so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
