I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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