Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
