You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
