I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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