I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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