Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
