I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
