I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
