maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Im part way to drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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