My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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