You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just invented taco cereal.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
