her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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