How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
