Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
