apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
