I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
