i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
