Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize