blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
