I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
