Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
