i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
