Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
