Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
