dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
