Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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