dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
