Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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