I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
