i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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