I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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