whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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