you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
