Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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