apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
