He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
