I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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