Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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