saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize