I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
