and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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