my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
