i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
