I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
