me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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