i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
why is half of my head shaved?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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