I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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