saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
