i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
