We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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