BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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