if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You are the jesus of drinking
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize