Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
