I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
