Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize