did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
