I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
