I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
