The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
