So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
