I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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