Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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