I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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